The band-aid solution
The short term fix
A single serving portion of peace of mind
Anguish bubbles below.
Nimetön coined a phrase the other day, “the matty panic-season”. I was polite, I didn’t tell him how silly I thought that sounded at the time.. *slaps self with trout* perhaps he was right.
‘I’m not in a panic’, I continue to reassure myself as everything is about to fall apart. There are certain things that occur time and time again. my bed turns from a place of sleep into an extension of my desk. My sleep quantity rockets as my sleep quality nose-dives. I fall asleep on the floor (the bed is still covered in crap).. I fall asleep in my clothes for consecutive nights. When I wake there’s normally some regret about what hasn’t been done and later some confusion.. timelines become distorted. In fact, generally speaking, rationale becomes less linear. Morning after morning, year after year I say that I wont let it happen again…
Personal hygiene is re-prioritised; I shave only if I have a meeting for work, I shower only to wake up, washing clothes isn’t planned; it’s a measure of desperation. My diet literally consists of pasta and weatbix.. I binge on vegetables whenever possible in a last ditch effort to obtain some nutrients. This is all balanced with a blend of poor quality sketches, nightmares, jaw-clenching, writing, poetry, improv music. Self analysis like it’s going out of style. Resting tremor. Guilt, lots of guilt. Stress. Even before I sit any tests I’m already setting resolutions for how I’ll do it all better next year.
Life becomes a big to-do list, often comprised of several smaller to-do lists. Eating is sometimes slotted in. But even when I’m busy making compromises to fit everything in there are still hours (which become days) of downtime, effortlessly annihilating any regained ground.
It’s a terrible way to do business. I don’t know precisely where the problem is… Counter productive war against myself. I still have the same dreams as five years ago, I just don’t have the same energy and focus to strive after them.