piece of mind

26 October 2006 at 6:32 (Uncategorized)

The band-aid solution
The short term fix
A single serving portion of peace of mind
Anguish bubbles below.

~

Nimetön coined a phrase the other day, “the matty panic-season”. I was polite, I didn’t tell him how silly I thought that sounded at the time.. *slaps self with trout* perhaps he was right.

‘I’m not in a panic’, I continue to reassure myself as everything is about to fall apart. There are certain things that occur time and time again. my bed turns from a place of sleep into an extension of my desk. My sleep quantity rockets as my sleep quality nose-dives. I fall asleep on the floor (the bed is still covered in crap).. I fall asleep in my clothes for consecutive nights. When I wake there’s normally some regret about what hasn’t been done and later some confusion.. timelines become distorted. In fact, generally speaking, rationale becomes less linear. Morning after morning, year after year I say that I wont let it happen again…

Personal hygiene is re-prioritised; I shave only if I have a meeting for work, I shower only to wake up, washing clothes isn’t planned; it’s a measure of desperation. My diet literally consists of pasta and weatbix.. I binge on vegetables whenever possible in a last ditch effort to obtain some nutrients. This is all balanced with a blend of poor quality sketches, nightmares, jaw-clenching, writing, poetry, improv music. Self analysis like it’s going out of style. Resting tremor. Guilt, lots of guilt. Stress. Even before I sit any tests I’m already setting resolutions for how I’ll do it all better next year.

Life becomes a big to-do list, often comprised of several smaller to-do lists. Eating is sometimes slotted in. But even when I’m busy making compromises to fit everything in there are still hours (which become days) of downtime, effortlessly annihilating any regained ground.

It’s a terrible way to do business. I don’t know precisely where the problem is… Counter productive war against myself. I still have the same dreams as five years ago, I just don’t have the same energy and focus to strive after them.

Advertisements

4 Comments

  1. Nimetön said,

    “That’s a stupid phrase” is what you should have said regardless of how correct it was or wasn’t ;-)

    Oh well, good luck. Which is also a stupid phrase come to think of it…

    To use another phrase “I’m off to do a Matty.” Translation… Cram an assignment on very little time, little energy, much procrastination and many shattered plans.

  2. toto said,

    Hey, it’s really grown on me, I quite like it now… and stupid things don’t generally grow on me.

    Just for clarification so nobody thinks I’m crazy: I don’t choose to sleep on the floor because I think it’s a great place to take a nap or because I’m too lazy to throw the stuff off of my bed. I occasionally choose to power nap on the floor because if I power-nap in my bed I’m guaranteed not to wake up before morning. However, recently even the floor’s been too inviting and I’ve woken in the morning feeling like crap. See, makes good sense.

  3. She-Ra said,

    “Self analysis like it’s going out of style.”

    Indeed, ’tis the very best time to have an existential crisis.

    Hey, I bet you become a writer. Wait, you already are.

    • monototo said,

      ’tis indeed the best time She-Ra. You have no idea how uncanny that is.

      Ah “the matty panic-season”, good times, good times.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: